Tuesday, April 29, 2008

I almost cried at the office today.

My brother was online, and his msn nick name reminded me of my grandfather. Some lyrics from the first The Music album. This English band where the lead singer looks a bit like a bird (not a girl, a bird). This is because I bought that album for him a couple of days after Gramps died. It was a Monday or Tuesday, before the funeral. It was a really big hassle getting him home from S. Antonio, so he died on a Saturday but the shin-ding didn't start until Wednesday evening. I remember not wanting to be home so we went to the mall (sign of the times) and getting like a facial or something, and buying that CD. Funny how you remember some things, like the salelady's name at the Clarins counter.

So anyway, Kux says he has that lyric 'cause it reminds him of G., too. And then I was there, that Saturday at my grandparents' house, how we had to go get the suit, which I think wasn't even used in the end. How the dog was frantic, and how I couldn't cry 'cause I just felt so numb, and even my Dad had talked to me about it beforehand, when he was still in the hospital, and I thought of course nothing can happen he was only in for an angioplasty, and later on thinking people got bypasses all the time. And there we were in the empty house the four of us, and I couldn't fucking cry then 'cause I knew that if I started I wouldn't be able to stop and of course right now I'm trying not to start 'cause it's the middle of the afternoon in the middle of the damn newsroom....

And my grandfather is someone I think about practically everyday, but in terms of what he did and how his choices affected us so deeply further down the line, in a good way of course. But I hadn't remembered in a long time that he's gone, and well, it just hit me.

It's a bit later now and I'll go see if Ben is around, before I go home..

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